RESIDENT EVILNESS 4
by Cataclyptic
Summary: Rated M for lots of curse words in it. A crackfic by Cataclyptic. This story contains nothing except sheer insanity. You have been warned…
1. The Good, the Bad, the Sexy and the Leon

**_RESIDENT EVILNESS 4_**

* * *

Rated M for lotz of curse words in it. A crackfic by Cataclyptic. This story contains nothing except sheer insanity. You have been warned…

* * *

_Chapter 1: The Good, The Bad, The Gorgeous and The Leon_

…

…

…

"My name is Leon S Kennedy." said Leon S Kennedy in the most dramatic voice he could muster, "and I like to narrate my life because it's awesome. My back-story is this: I was a cop, and then things went to hell. SO NOW HERE I AM.

My mission is simple: To rescue the President's daughter form the evil Mexicans that kidnapped her."

"HEY ESTUPIDO!" yelled one of the drivers in the front seat, "No es Mexico! Es Espana sus nostrotros!"

Leon S Kennedy paused. The blonde haired American only spoke American as a language, and as consequence, had no idea what his escort just said.

"The last sighting of the President's daughter was in a rural area of Mexico. These two Spaniards who refuse to speak English are taking me there."

"Esposa, que detras de tu conmigo tercera?(Why is that guy narrating when it's so stupid?)" one of the Spaniards said to the other, causing him to laugh uncontrollably. Leon ignored him, pretending to feign ignorance by trying to ignore him.

"No puede montando ni segura montar sin al fondo con queso!(He can't understand a word we're saying! It's hilarious!)"

"Shut up, I can't understand what you're saying!" said the secret agent, feeling left out.

Suddenly, the second one clutched his stomach in pain, rambling something about enchillada's. The first man stopped the car and the second ran out and shat a boatload of diarrhea next to their car.

"…why the hell did we need that scene!?" Leon turned at the camera angrily. The second man got back on the car. The zombie who had been weatching him said "Ouurgh ourgh ourrrgh!"

Which translates from Zombie to English as: "F*** THAT! I AIN'T GIVING HIM A PLAGA!"

* * *

_We interrupt this program with a friendly brainwashing infomercial from our sponsors at the Religious Cult of Religion:_

"Hello, I am Osmund Saddler," said a man in a large purple cloak, "the head clergyman of The Religious Cult of Religion.

Have you lost your faith? Want to rekindle with God? The look no further than our central church. We will help you regain your spirit and save your soul by shoving a two foot long parasite up your anus to take control of your body.

Some may think I'm crazy for shoving parasites up people's asses to reconcile with the lord but let's face facts here: it makes more sense than Scientology.

Anyway, come to our fine institution and truly discover the exhilarating experience of divine love. By shoving parasites up your ass. Thank you for your time."

* * *

During the commercial break, Leon had conveniently arrived at the house where the presidents daughter was last seen.

"Alright, you two stay with me." he said to the men behind him, "Something fishy is going on, and I don't the body count to-"

The guards and their truck were in the distance, running away from Leon.

"SONOFA-" Leon stamped his foot, "WELL FINE! YOU'LL PROBABLY DIE ANYWAY YOU STUPID MEXICANS!"

Leon was so mad that he actually forgot what he was sent here to do. "Sh*t!" he cursed. Then, he saw a house. Deciding he was hungry, Leon busted down the door yelling for food.

"Que pasa!?(What the?)" yelled a surprised farmer at Leon's intrusive entrance "QUE MIEDO! UNA ROBERANDO! (OH SH*T! A ROBBER!)"

"I forgot what I was here to do! Please give me food!" said Leon S Kennedy, making the universal hand sign of shrimp with caviar to signal he wanted a cheeseburger.

"NO PUEDE ME ENTIENDO QUE DE TRATAS SENIOR ROBERANDO!(I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE SAYING MR. ROBBER!)" yelled the farmer back at him. Suddenly, he noticed his axe was in reaching distance. He grabbed it and flew at Kennedy.

"DE MI FAMILIA!(FOR THE SAFTY OF MY FAMILY!)"

Leon shot him with his gun. He was killed dead in shot.

"Word of advice…" Leon pulled up a pair of shades, "Don't bring an ax to a gunfight."

However, the sound of Leon shooting Farmer Jenkins alerted his neighbors. Looking through the window and seeing the atrocity the robber had committed, they raised arms and tried to fight off the man using shovels, forks and spoons.

Leon shot them all.

"Word of advice…" Leon pulled up a pair of shades, "Don't bring shovels and kitchen utensils to a gunfight."

Luckily, killing people jogged Leon's memory: he remembered he had to find the President's daughter, and that her name was Ashley Graham.

"Aha!" Leon smiled triumphantly, "Thank you for helping me remember my mission, amigos!"

The dead people stared blankly at him. Leon ran away to find a village. And in no time at all, he found one. But these villagers were different: they had reddish orange eyes. And pale skin. Which could only mean one thing in a Resident Evil story…

"The entire village got high!" Leon gasped at their abuse of drugs. Peering closer with his binoculars, Leon saw two men tied to a pole being burned to death until they died. Their limbs were being eaten by some children.

"The entire village got so high they burned two men and turned cannibalistic!" Leon gasped at their abuse of drugs. Looking closer, he realized it was the two men who escorted him here in the first place.

"HAH! SERVES YOU RIGHT YOU ASSHOLES!" Leon laughed.

The entire zombie village noticed him.

"Graaahhh!" they yelled, running at him.

"SH*T!" Leon ran away as fast as he could. He killed a couple to make a path to a house, where he barricaded the door.

"Alright Leon, calm down…" the ex-cop said to himself, "Surrounded by zombies… no big deal right? It's not like it can get any worse."

And then a giant zombie with a chainsaw appeared.

"F*** YOU IRNOY!" Leon shouted. Having no other choice, Leon reached into his back pocket and pulled out a rocket launcher. He got on top of the roof and shot half of them and the chainsaw dude in one go.

Unfortunately the resulting rocket impact caused the house to collapse, leaving Leon stranded on the very top of the house. A million zombies lay at the ground, and Leon was all out of rocket launchers, bullets and gum.

Watching all of this was a strange woman with woman parts and a red dress to show off her woman parts. This was Ada Wong, who had also been sent here on a mission. Her secret spy phone which she stowed in her boobs rang. Reaching into her cleavage she opened it.

"Hello Ada. I am Albert Wesker." said a badass blonde haired man with shades.

"…yes, I know." Ada was confused.

"I am your boss." said Wesker.

"…I know?"

"Ada, your mission is to eliminate the most handsome people in this story so that I, Albert Wesker, will be the most beautiful by default." said the man,

"The targets you must eliminate are: The village chief, Luis, and Leon. Oh, and blow up Saddlers' base while your at it. The prick forgot my to feed my pet goldfish."

"Why are you telling me all these things I already know?" asked the woman in red.

"IT'S CALLED EXPOSITION YOU DUMBASS." Wesker snarled. Ada rolled her eyes, not having a clue what Wesker was talking about. She looked back at Leon, who was still gripping the one pole standing with all his might. He could fall into the pool of ravenous zombies at any minute, and Ada would never see his ass again.

His toned, firm ass…

"Ada, stop fantasizing about Leon's hot ass and go eliminate your targets!" Wesker commanded.

"I was NOT fantasying about how great it looked!" Ada huffed, "Anyway Wesker, I'd love to but uh… gotta do something else first!"

"Oh, okay." Wesker noted, "Wait, if you even THINK about saving Leon-"

Ada closed her phone and put it back into her breasts. Neither Leon nor the zombies had noticed her, which meant it was time to save Leon!

Using her awesome grapple hook thingy she flew to the top of a roof, pulled out a sniper rifle and sniped the church bell from 1000 meters away. Because Ada Wong is THAT F**KING AWESOME.

The zombies, being strict religious folk, immediately turned their heads to the church and began marching to it. Soon the village was abandoned and Leon could climb down safely.

"Holy poop." Leon was surprised, "Where's everybody going… BINGO NIGHT!?"

*Insert laugh track here*

"Heh, I'm funny…" Leon smiled, "But why did the church bell ring? And why did I think I hear the sound of a sniper rifle? And why and I getting turned on for no apparent reason?"

Somewhere, Leon thought he heard a sqee of joy.

"Hm. Truly, there are many mysteries to be solved…" Leon noted, "But for later. For now, the president's daughter. If only I had a clue as to where she was…"

Just then Leon's pants began vibrating. He pulled out his phone. "Talk to me."

"Leon, this is Agent Hunnigan, I'll be your plot device for a few days."

"Cool!" Leon grinned.

"We believe Ashley is in the church. Go find her before those religious nuts do something stupid like shove a parasite up her ass or something." said Hunnigan.

"Got it. Leon out." he walked over to the door leading to an underground road, presumably to the church. When suddenly, he remembered something.

"Ah sh*t all those zombies are attending church now!" he sighed "Crap. I'll need weapons first…"

Leon took another route, where eventually he saw another house.

"Yays! I love looting houses!" Leon sqeeed. Unfortunately some zombies got angry at a giant rock. So angry that they pushed it off the cliff, where it started to roll towards Leon.

"AAAGH!" Leon screamed, running away from a clear Indiana Jones ripoff. The boulder was too fast- Kennedy could not outrun it. Thus, he resorted to reasoning with it.

"Rock, why are you angry at me?" he asked sincerely.

"It's because of my father." the rock replied, "He never loved me like a son… only as a tool for him to make profit."

And so, Leon and the rock talked out the rocks problems. This seemed to help the boulder, for at the end he felt much better about himself and had a higher self esteem.

"Thank you Leon, you have made me realize that I don't need approval from my jerkass dad in order to be a good person." said the rock.

"No problem." Leon smiled. The two went their separate ways. "You see kids, problems don't have to be solved using violence. Just by talking it out can people truly understand each other."

Leon went into the house and stole everything in it. At the end of the house was a giant closet, big enough to house practically anything inside it. And it was shaking.

"Oh no… the boogeyman…" Leon narrowed his eyes. Back in training days, Leon knew and older guy named Krauser who used to tell him stories about the boogeyman and how he killed people in their sleep. Krauser was killed in battle, but Leon swore to this very day that it was the boogeyman that had done him in.

"You've killed far to many to go unpunished…" Leon growled. He opened the door, where a gagged man fell out. Leon moved aside his gun. "Oh wait, you're not the boogeyman…"

"The hell?" asked the black haired man. "Whatever! Untie me please!"

"Hm… how do I know you're not a zombie…?" thought Leon.

"I can speak in complete sentences." said the man drolly.

"Prove it." Leon crossed his arms. The man stared at this idiot as if he were an idiot. Which he was.

"…behold, I have rational thought and can talk normally."

"Okay, I believe you." Leon untied the man, who introduced himself as Luis.

"Thank you Leon." he said, "But we have to get out of here!"

"We do?" Leon narrowed his eyes, "Why?"

And then they heard footsteps.

"Too late…" gasped Luis, wide eyed with fear. Steeping forth from the doorway were two farmer zombies. Stepping in lastly was a gruff man with a huge beard wearing light blue garb.

"Oh my God…" said Leon, "He's… He's…

GORGEOUS!"

"Damn straight I am." said the man.

"Luis, who is this beautiful man!?"

"Our enemy…" Luis sighed, "The village chief. Why such a handsome man turned evil is beyond me, but there you have it."

"Oh no!" Leon gasped, "Well fine then. An enemy is an enemy, even if he happens to be good looking."

Leon quickly looked at his inventory: A hand gun, a shotgun, and some grenades.

"I've got it!" Leon yelled, "I'll kick him!"

Leon's kick was blocked. The village chief deflected it with ease and sent him tumbling into a bookcase and rendered him unconscious.

"YOU HAD A FREAKING SHOTGUN AND YOU THOUGHT KICKING HIM WAS YOUR BEST OPTION!?" were the last words Luis yelled before he too was knocked out.

"Take them both away." commanded chief Mendez the Handsome. His soldier obeyed without question, carrying their unconscious bodies somewhere else.

Meanwhile watching all of this was none other than Ada Wong. Through her binoculars, she saw Leon's hot ass and some other guy's not-as-hot-as-Leon's-ass also being dragged somewhere.

"That doesn't look good…" remarked Ada "But I think Leon can handle it this time. After all, what's the worst that could happen?"

* * *

Leon, unconscious, was strapped to a chair. Osmund Saddler stood next to him, holding a two foot long wriggling parasite in his hands.

"And now… RECEIVE THE BLESSINGS OF GAWD!"


	2. HEHEHEH

**_RESIDENT EVILNESS 4_**

* * *

Rated M for "Mega Awesome". A crackfic by Cataclyptic. This story contains nothing except sheer insanity. You have been warned…

* * *

_Chapter 2: HEHEHEH!_

Luis awoke to the strangest thing he had ever heard. It started like this:

"My name is Leon S. Kennedy, and my Mexican friend and I have been captured by the evil Mexicans. One of them, the most gorgeous man alive, happens to be my enemy. I tried kicking him but he knew how to block it.

In retrospect that was a stupid move- I should have punched him instead.

Because of my folly, here I am tied with Luis to a pole, not knowing what our fate might be…"

"What are you doing?" the Spaniard tied next to him asked.

"Narrating my life." Leon answered.

"Oh. Okay." Luis shrugged "How do you feel?"

"I feel awful." admitted the blonde American, "It's like… someone shoved something big up my ass…"

"Ouch…" cringed the black haired Spaniard, who had personal experience with that.

"Say, have you seen this girl anywhere?" Leon, with his limited hand movement, slid a picture of a blonde haired teenager to his prison mate. Luis looked at the picture.

"Let me guess… the President's daughter?"

"That's too good for a guess." Leon narrowed his eyes, "What's your secret?"

"Psychic powers…" he replied mysteriously. Leon simply looked at him with skepticism. "You don't believe me, do you?"

"No." Leon rolled his eyes.

_"Well then watch this." the rope that tied them began to loosen by itself, until Leon and Luis were free. The rope levitated in the air for a little bit, and then Luis told it to drop to the floor._

_Leon was spellbound "DUDE! THAT WAS FRICKIN' AWESOME!"_

_"I'm a Spanish superhero!" said Luis, getting into costume, my name is Captain Mexico! Come, I'll use my powers to save the day!"_

"Leon?" Luis questioned, "I said I was joking about the whole psychic thing. Leon?"

"That would be awesome…" Leon fantasized. He snapped back to reality, "Huh? What?"

"I said… oh crap!"

"Why would you-" Leon looked up and saw a zombie with an axe. "Don't worry, I'm sure he'll be a dumbass and split down the middle, freeing us."

"Leon, let's be realistic here." his friend replied, "What are the odds of him doing that?"

The zombie brought down the axe and it only cut their rope. Leon shot it dead until it died. And then Leon shot him again for good measure.

"Word of advice…" the blonde haired agent pulled a pair of shades, "Don't bring a cliché to a gunfight."

However, Luis was gone. "Maybe he had to take a dump or something." was Leon's explanation. Shrugging, he decided to get out of the house he was in since the floral pattern bothered him. In no time he found the front door and opened it where a man dressed in purple stared right back at him.

"Ello, Stranger!" said the man, gazing at Leon in the most lustful/creepy way imaginable.

"Uh…who are you?"

"Got somthin' that might interest ya! HEHEHEH!" the man replied, opening his coat to reveal an assortment of deadly weapons that Leon could buy.

"DUDE PUT ON SOME FREAKING PANTS!" Leon turned away, "AND UNDERWEAR WHILE YOUR AT IT!"

"Oops! Sorry Stranger, forgot to put me pants on after las' night… HEHEHEH!" the stranger opened his clothes again. Without the merchant's shlong to get in the way, Leon could concentrate on the firepower.

"Ooh, a rifle." said Leon, somehow pulling an entire rifle out of the man's cloak "Thanks!" he said, paying the man and putting some ammo in it.

"Until next time me friend! HEHEHEH!"

When Leon was out of earshot, he remarked that the man had a scary laugh…peeking out the gates, he found himself in a new location, and surrounded by a village of zombies. Luckily, the zombies did not know Leon was there yet.

"I know!" Leon said, "I'll fire a shot at the church bell to distract them."

Using his newfound rifle, Leon shot the church bell from 1000 meters because he's that F***ING AWESOME. The good news is, it worked, all the zombies heard and scrambled to their church. The bad news was…

"Oh SH*T!" Leon smacked himself. "Now there are even MOAR zombies in the church!"

He cursed himself, because now there must be hundreds of zombies within the institution.

* * *

"Grah.(It's cramped in here)" remarked one zombie in the church.

"Grah. (Indeed my compatriot, but at least it can't get any worse)." said the zombie next to him. Suddenly they heard the sounds of a thousand more zombies coming in.

"GRAH! (OH SH*T!)"

* * *

Leon was angry with himself, but decided the past was the past, and shoved the door open, eventually leading to another area with a huge mansion.

"Ooh." Leon grinned, "LOOTING TIME!"

Leon snuck into the house and looted several cases of ammo, a bag of chips, and the key for the tunnel leading to the church. Unfortunately as he found the key, the village chief Mendez found him and grabbed him by the throat.

"What the hell are you doing robber!?" demanded the chief. Leon gargled. "Speak up!" Leon gasped for air, "Well!? Are you going to tell me or not?"

Chief Mendez was shot in the back with a rocket launcher. The chief was shot through the building, making a chief sized indent upon the wall, and blasted off to who knows where, just like Team Rocket!

"Ourgh…" Leon got back up, "Huh… where'd that rocket come from?"

Ada stood on the roof, looking like a badass, a scowl upon her lips "No one touches Leon perversely except me!"

Her breasts vibrated. Ada picked up the phone "Yeah?"

"Ada." Wesker began, "Did you perhaps save Leon just now?"

"UHHH…" Ada said nervously, "No."

"I can tell when you're lying." Wesker continued, "You will kill him."

"I know just… not yet!" Ada said defensively.

"Whatever. I'm giving you a new task: KILL THAT BASTARD SADDLER AT ALL COSTS."

"You seem angrier than usual…" the woman in red was surprised.

"I just received new Intel…" Wesker said dramatically, "The little f**ker lied when he said he forgot to feed my fish and it died…

Ada, the bastard STOLE my pet goldfish!"

* * *

"Yes!" Leon shouted. Using the key he found, he went through a large chasm (where strangely he met that one weird guy again) and when he came out, the church was right in front of him! And that was where Ashley was!

And all those thousands of zombies he sent!

…

"WELL F*** MY LIFE." Leon S. Kennedy smacked himself. How the hell was he supposed to kill a thousand zombies!? As much of a badass as he was, guns needed to be reloading, damnit!

"Wait." he had an idea, "I know… I'll just move them somewhere else! Aha! I'll ring the church bell!"

Using his newfound rifle, Leon put in a few bullets and shot the bell from a 10,000 meters even though he was about twenty feet away from the church. BECAUSE HE'S THAT F**KING AWESOME!

Leon hid himself in a small shack and waited. Unfortunately, he forgot that whenever you rang the church bell, people tended to congregate towards the church. And thus, more zombies walked passed Leon and went inside it.

* * *

The zombies were packed tighter than sardines. It was like a human meat packing plant- except more religious.

"Grah! (My word, it is suitably packed in here is it not?)"remarked a zombie with what little breathing room he had left.

"Grah. (Well, at least it can't get any worse)"

And then they heard more footsteps and even more people came in.

"GRAH! (GODDAMNIT FRED!)"

* * *

"Goddamnit." Leon cursed, "And I suppose there isn't another convenient bell I could ring!?"

Leon shot a crow. It did not make a ringing sound "Sh*t. Well, I guess I'd better stock up on ammo…"

Leon looked right. There was another path that led to what appeared to be a lake, but there was a sign next to the road. It read: _"NO SE PERMITE. DEL LAGO, UNA PISCA GIGANTE ESTA AQUI."And then a skull and crossbones was drawn on it._

"Shoot, I can't read Mexican!" Luckily, Leon had an idea. He phoned Hunnigan, his plot device.

"Whatcha need?" she said on the other end.

"A translation." Leon uploaded the picture to Hunnigan.

"One moment please." Hunnigan scanned the picture and gave it to a five year old, telling him to translate it. The five year old drew a picture of an ice cream truck.

"Leon, the sign says there is ice cream at the end."

"Hell yeah!" grinned the American. Leon ran as fast as he could down the path, calling out for the delicious delectable ice cream. Eventually, he found a giant wooden door, with the same sign plastered onto it. Oh, and the merchant too.

"Fancy meeting you 'ere, Stranger. HEHEHEH."

"Dude, stop stalking me!" cried Leon, shoving the merchant out of his way.

"Wait stranger! Got something' that might interest ya'! HEHEHEH !" said the merchant. Leon sighed. "I swear to God, if I turn around and you don't have pants on…"

Leon hesitantly turned around. The merchant was wearing pants. "BUT NO UNDAWEAR HEHEHEH!"

"Urg…" Leon bought some instant healing sprays and headed through the gates. There, he saw to his bewilderment, a carnival! There were rollar coasters, ferris wheels, cotton candy stands, everything one could ask for.

"Awesome!"

"Hello there stranger!" said a friendly looking man, who happened to be the manager "Are you a zombie?"

"Let me check." Leon paused. He went back and bit off the merchant's hand. The merchant screamed in pain, but Leon did not find his hand tasty at all. "Nope, not a zombie!"

"In that case welcome to our carnival! Would you like to buy a ticket?"

"No thanks." said Leon, frowning "I'd love to… but I have to get some ammo to kill zombies with. And rescue the president's daughter. And catch all the Pokemon on my Soulsilver cartridge."

"Suit yourself." shrugged the man, "But you might want to be back by 10:00, because we're showcasing Andre the giant!"

"Ooh. Okay, I'll be back!" Leon promised, exiting the carnival.

Meanwhile, watching all of this from the Ferris wheel was none other than Ada Wong, perversely staring at Leon using high tech binoculars. Unfortunately her boobs rang.

"Ada! We have a location on my pet goldfish, Mr. Fluffy!" said Wesker.

"…I'm not even going to question that name…" Ada sipped some soda, "Where?"

"It's in Saddler's lake next to the village. I need you to pick it up for me."

"How the freaking hell am I supposed to find a goldfish in an entire lake!?" questioned the Chinese assassin. Wesker looked at her sternly.

"Do not worry. My fish is very unique. You'll see him immediately."

"Unique how?"

"He's fifty feet long, has a myriad of tentacles, sharp teeth and gets angered easily."

Ada Wong paused "WHAT THE F-"

* * *

"Oh boy, a lake!" said Leon. A sinister bellow was heard from the lake "I'm going to go fishing!"

Leon tried to shoot the fish in the water with his gun. He eventually caught several dead Pokemon, but then noticed a dark shadow in the water. "What is…?"

And then Leon was eaten by a fifty foot long tentacled sharp toothed fish. Who was angry at him.

Leon was shoved down its thought and into its digestive tract, which conveniently was a wide open space with plenty of air that did not even try to digest him. Biology? What's that!

"Fric, now I am trapped in the belly of a whale." sighed the American "How can I get out of this situation!?"

"Hello there!" said a small wooden puppet with a large nose, "I finally have a new roommate!"

"AAGH DIE WOOD ZOMBIE!" Leon shot the wooden man until it was dead. Well… deader. Holy sh*t my autocorrect didn't turn on when I typed "deader". What. The. Crap.

"How to escape this whale…?" Leon asked himself. He imagined the glorious Captain Mexico coming to save him, but sadly this did not happen. Thus, he had to go with plan B: using science to help him.

Picking up a biology book, Leon read that whales ate plankton. Using this newfound knowledge, Leon chucked ten grenades down its digestive tract and blew it the f*** up. He swam to shore, the whale dead.

"Ah, good old science." Leon smirked. He ran away to find the ice cream.


	3. Ashley and the Twins

**_RESIDENT EVILNESS 4_**

* * *

Rated M for Boobs. A crackfic by Cataclyptic. This story contains nothing except sheer cleavage. You have been warned...

* * *

_Chapter three: Ashley and the twins_

"My name is Leon S. Kennedy." said the blonde haired man, now on the shoreline "I was sent to Mexico in order to rescue the President's daughter. Fortunately I know that she's in the church. Unfortunately I accidentally sent 3,000 zombies in the church.

...yeah...

So anyway! Now I am in pursuit of ice cream, in hopes that I will go up to the zombies and swap it for Ashley. After all, you'd have to be pretty darn heartless to resist ice cream.

And you know, if that doesn't work I shoot everything."

"Grah? (Why are you talking to yourself?)" asked a zombie who overheard him. Leon quickly shot it's head off. But then- where the head used to be emerged a tentacled monster with five eyes!

"Holy-!" Leon was at a loss for words, "Everything makes sense now... ALIENS ARE CAUSING ALL OF THIS."

The pink parasite monster paused, narrowed its eyes, grew an ax arm and whipped Leon with it. The American dodged without haste and shot it some more.

"Hm, but that's odd..." Leon noted the carcass of the alien. He hadn't seen any of them previously, so why now...? It was then that Leon looked up and saw the starry night sky. It was daytime the last he saw before he entered the whale/monster/goldfish/thing which meant...

"HOLY SH*T TIME MOVES FASTER IN MEXICO!"

* * *

Ada Wong pursed her lips. Washed up on the shoreline was the dead body of Wesker's pet 'Goldfish'. Her boss was not going to be pleased with this.

As if on cue her boobs vibrated "Ada, I trust you have retrieved my pet goldfish?"

"Yes. But... it kind of got killed." Wong said nervously. Her boss flipped the table "WHAT!? WHAT!? WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTT11!?111ONE111!"

Ada turned her phone towards the fish, she could hear Wesker sobbing on the other end, yelling things like "WHY MISTER FLUFFY WHY!?" for about three hours. Eventually when he calmed down, he made the phone face Ada and told her to kill whoever did this to his beloved friend.

"Uh..." Ada knew Leon was the one responsible, but she didn't need Wesker angry at him, else he and his hot ass might be in danger "Uh, it was uh... it was Saddler! Yeah!"

"WHAT!? HOW DARE HE!" Wesker was infuriated.

"You know..." said the woman in red, getting an idea "Leon said he's here to rescue the president's daughter. I believe he'll have to confront and kill Saddler in order to do so..."

Wesker paused.

"I have an awesome idea." said Wesker, "Let's let Leon and Saddler duke it out, and then you just kill whoever is left."

"Okay!" Ada said cheerfully, getting a woman boner from the though of spending moar time with Leon. She hung up the phone, put it back in her boobs, and launched her grappling thing to the other side of the lake, where she would surely find her man meat.

* * *

Leon had found several zombies guarding a secret chamber in the rocks. After killing all of the undead by making them watch clips of Ouran High School Host Club, Leon decided to check out the cave.

Unfortunately another person stood in his way, one that he least expected would appear.

"I ARE THE DARK KNIGHT!" said Batman. Leon, without thinking, accidentally shot him in the head. He got a good look of his victim and gaped in horror.

"Oh no... WHAT HAVE I DONE!?" Leon felt like going into a soliloquy on the price of life and death, the morals of man and the ambiguity of evil.

And then he saw something shiny in the distance and forgot all about it. The shiny thing, as it turned out, was an ice cream cone, glowing with radiance. Or radiation. One or the other. Leon took the ice cream cone and stuffed it in his attaché case, which somehow had infinite storage.

"Hunnigan, I've found the ice cream!" Leon radioed his plot device

"Excellent. Wait what!? I thought you were supposed to be finding the president's daughter!"

"Ice cream will help us get her back." said Leon dramatically. Hunnigan sighed "if you say so..."

Leon turned off the radio and headed back to the mainland "Now that I have ice cream, Ashley is practically saved already. Nothing will stop me from fulfilling my-" Leon saw a sign, lit up words saying "Andre the Giant".

"Must... see... freakishly large person..." Leon was already hypnotized. Secretly tailing him was none other than Ada Wong. For obvious reasons, she loved it when Leon walked away from her.

"*sigh*..." the lovestruck girl stared at Leon's rear.

Leon S. Kennedy strode in where he saw the manager from earlier, and hundreds of zombies who also came for the big show "Hey, got any popcorn to share?" Leon asked a zombie next to him.

"Grah. (So very sorry gent, I only have Zombie Popcorn.)" said the zombie, holding up a bag full of eyeballs.

"Zombie girls and zombie boys!" said the manager from earlier, "I give you the ninth wonder of the world- Andre the Giant!"

Several zombies opened the massive doors and dragged Andre out. He killed them, and then killed the audience. And then he killed the manager. And then he killed the crows. And then he killed the rocks. And then he killed-

"WE GET IT HE DOES A LOT OF KILLING!" Leon shouted angrily. Unfortunately his shout was so loud it got Andre's attention.

"GRAAAAHHH! ME WANT TO PET BUNNY RABBIT!" yelled Andre at Leon.

"I'M NOT A BUNNY RABBIT!"

"THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT A BUNNY RABBIT WOULD SAYYYYYY!" Andre brought his fist down, Leon dodging only by a little. Unfortunately the second fist came down and sent Leon facefirst into the earth.

"MOAR PETTING!"

"You spelled "More" wrong!" Leon tried to say, but the giant hit him again. Ada, watching from the distance, knew she needed to help Leon before he was petted to death. So, thinking quickly, she threw a dog at the giant hoping it was actually Krypto the Superdog.

The giant squished it. He resumed petting Leon.

"Curses!" Ada winced. However, she saw something strange- Leon was sneaking up behind the giant, yet had not moved from the giant's massive hand!"

"What the-!?" Ada gaped at the two Leon's. However, her shock was quickly replaced by lust, since she could have a killer threesome with Leon now.

The man ripped a giant five foot long parasite from the giant's back and the giant died due to having lost its battery. Then Leon went down under the giant's hand and pulled out a 2-D cardboard cutout of himself and put it back in the attaché case.

"Hah, Who needs shadow clones when you have one of these?" Leon laughed.

**Cardboard cutout is greater than Naruto**

"Anyway, I have to find that church again..." Leon ran away while Ada hid, still secretly stalking him along the way. He retraced his steps from earlier and located the church again. The giant religious institute loomed over him ominously. Somewhere inside, a little girl needed his help. Bargaining with the 3,000 zombies would be no easy task. Leon gritted his teeth, gathered up every ounce of his courage and kicked the door down.

The church was completely empty.

"What? But how?" Leon gaped.

_YOU SEE KIDS, WHEN ZOMBIES DIE THIER CORPSES AUTOMATICALLY ROT AWAY TO NOTHINGNESS TO SAVE THE GAME DEVELOPERS FROM HAVE BODIES EVERYWHERE AND CLOGGING UP THE GAME'S ENGINE._

THE ZOMBIES IN THE CHURCH ACTUALLY GOT SO CROWDED THAT THEY SUFFOCATED THEMSELVES AND DIED. THEN THIER CORPSES DECOMPOSED INTO NOTHING, LEAVING LEON ALONE.

"..." Leon paused, "Uh... my plan worked!" he was immediately hit by an anvil.

Leon S. Kennedy searched all around the church for Ashley, the president's daughter. Eventually he found a locked room with someone whimpering inside. "Ashley!?" Leon yelled

"Wh-Who's there!? Saddler!? I already told you I don't want to be converted into whatever crazy religion you have going on here!" a voice answered back. Leon knew that this must be Ashley, since zombies could not talk in complete sentences. He kicked down the door.

He saw a blonde haired girl in her late teens with a freakishly enormous rack. As she stood up it wobbled and bounced every direction possible "Are you here to save me!?" she asked.

Leon gaped at the stupidity of it all "Wow. I can't believe teenagers are getting breast implants."

"What!" Ashely gasped, her heaving mammaries bounding up and down "First of all don't talk about a woman's boobs, second of all THEY'RE REAL!"

"Whatever you say, Silicone." Leon decided it was best to not argue and get out before the plot arrived "Either way follow me, I'll lead you out of here."

"I THINK NOT LEON." said a voice behind him. Leon and his newly made buxom companion turned around to face a sinister looking man in a giant purple cloak.

"Who are you!?" demanded the American agent.

"I am Saddler. Osmund Saddler." he said, "The head clergyman of this... fine establishment. And in case it wasn't subtle enough, I'm the main bad guy of this story."

"Uh oh..." Leon cringed. He couldn't possibly fight the main bad guy now, it was only chapter 3!

"You seem to have realized your situation- that I can kill you with my uber mutant powers anytime I please." grinned the religious nut job, "However as per Good Vs Evil customs I shall give you a chance to escape."

"R-Really!?" Leon asked.

"Hahah! F*** NO!" Saddler grew a spider arm from under his cloak and flung it as Leon. The agent, thinking quickly, wrapped his hands around Ashley and used the bounciness of her gigantic tits to rebound his arm right back at him.

"Grah!" Saddler groaned, having been pierced by a long spiky appendage.

"Hah! Apparently the elastic properties of silicon are useful!" laughed Leon, with Ashley yelling something about 'They're not fake' in the background "I stabbed you with own arm!"

"This isn't my arm you idiot!" Saddler moaned from the pain.

"Then... what is it...?"

"Just think: What else is long and hard and used for piercing tender flesh!?" yelled the man impatiently. The agent and the big boobied girl thought about it.

"Oh my...!" Ashely gasped, turning red.

"Yeah, I just impregnated myself!" Saddler said sadly, finally managing to pull his long hard appendage from his body "Okay, let's try this again, and this time you die okay?"

"Wait wait wait." Leon held his hands up "I refuse to fight a guy who uses his own penis as a weapon!"

A pause.

"OH NO!" Saddler became wide eyed "YOU FOOL! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!?"

"Eh?" asked the confused blonde haired man.

"THERE WAS A REASON I WAS BEING SUBTLE! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO SAY THE FORBIDDEN WORD IN FAN-FICTION BECAUSE IT'S HARMFUL TO MINORS!"

"Eh?" Leon narrowed his eyes "What are you talking-"

And then this fanfiction blew up because several people got angry that I mentioned the male reproductive structure in a fan-fic.


End file.
